


Because you're you

by blahruto



Category: Naruto
Genre: Awkward Kissing, Awkwardness, Boys Kissing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Naruto is patient until he isn't, Older Fic, Queer naruto characters, Sasuke is broken, Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-taunting, Supportive Naruto, Survivor Guilt, ace!sasuke, awkward teenage boys, biromantic!naruto, first attempt at real fanfic, guilt in general, homosexual!naruto, sad thoughts, self deprication, self hatred could be triggering, self punishment, sorry lmao, very mild angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-02-24 11:02:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2579216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blahruto/pseuds/blahruto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>dont read this fic its bad as hell////</p><p>Over time, Sasuke's become confident in two things. The first is that he's broken. No argument, no chance at repair, no fight. The second is Naruto.<br/>Occasionally, the two clash.</p><p>seriously. dont read this</p>
            </blockquote>





	Because you're you

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i don't own naruto. y'know what would be a plot twist? if the owner of naruto spent their free time writing sappy fanfiction abt it. but that aint happening because the owner of naruto is mean and deserves bad eyebrows. like i havent seen a picture of him in a long time but i hope he has bad eyebrows because he DESERVES rthem
> 
>  
> 
> takes place abt like...a year or more after the war?? sasuke doesnt leave. obviously. we all know naruto ended on chapter 698. fuckin duh
> 
>  
> 
> Warnings: hurt/comfort, sad!suke, badly written emotional content, awkward Sasuke, unconventional portrayals of their relationship (and by that I mean it's super serious and topsy turvy because Naruto has forgiven Sasuke but Sasuke isn't sure that he's forgiven himself.)
> 
> Note: I approach Sasuke in a... sort of uncommon way to approach him,,, and by that I mean he's self deprecating genius mind who spends a lot of time in an argument with himself. Weird! Dude, this fic is like so weird. (dont read it)

**Because you're you**

**Naruto**

**NARUTOXSASUKE.**

**WORD COUNT: A BUNCH**

**EXPLICIT CONTENT: NAH MY DUDE**

**GOOD FANFIC: ALSO NO**

 

 _Mess._ The word flitted across his mind and he considered, briefly, studying his reflection in the mirror, that maybe today would be a good day to avoid. In the mirror, he focused on a thin set of gashes across his shoulder. They were thin, clean cuts; efficient, but ultimately intended not to be lethal. Maybe to harm, possibly pop his shoulder blade out. They stood out, charcoal and ruby nestled atop scars that had long faded white; fights from forever ago, enemies who'd forgotten him and who he'd forgotten. His skin was sleek, the colour of porcelain; an overall improvement from his usual gaunt, grey hue. His hair was disarray, inky black strands falling past his shoulders to his back. Now that he wasn't so malnourished his hair was finally thickening out. Sometimes it bothered him how much he looked like Itachi.  
His eyes looked tired and old. He always looked tired. Broken, his mind concluded. Bloodied gauze and bandages were discarded on the floor around him that were used to cover the only colours his body had to offer now. The bright stained pink of his knuckles exposed. He flexed them curiously, looking at his reflection as he did. He winced a bit. He probably should've left those ones on until Naruto got home. _Oh, well. It isn't as if he'd be angry._

  
_He's never angry. He's just sad. You make him sad, you know._

The spar hadn't been planned. They were technically allowed to give him some space to let his chakra out, to stretch after long periods of abstaining from any sort of battle.They were advised not to. He wasn't an easy enemy, and they couldn't afford to lose men if Sasuke did turn out to be untrustworthy. They could barely even afford the men they had surveiling the place. Yet at the same stretch, keeping Sasuke satiated was a concern and it had been permitted on a trial basis. Other than that, they mostly leave him alone; they only really need to supervise him in extreme cases.   
Occasionally, someone would brave the offer and Sasuke would find himself with a sparring partner. Last night was one of these times. He usually got off very slim in injuries from these spars. He was being protected in a sense--- hero and hated. No one knew how they wanted to treat him.  
Something went wrong. When things go wrong for a ninja, there are nightmares. Life is this.

Nonetheless, it had been a relief to be allowed this. He was nothing without his chakra. He was nothing regardless. However much he believed in needing this, in it being his last hope, being afforded it was different. He wasn't certain where his status as a ninja fell. The important thing is that he was allowed this, and he knew he might not have it at all had it not been for the professional opinions of old colleagues and current friends. Sakura argued because she understands the medicinal side of it. Naruto argued because he understands.

It was almost as if he was balancing rather than falling. He is falling, and he has been for a long time. This is how it is; long and meticulous, an entire process to your collapse. It's messy, and broken, and sometimes you stare at your reflection for hours without recognizing anything.

He blinked. Change of topic. The house.

 

The house was unlike him. It betrayed little symptoms of his presence. In many ways, he preferred this. It wasn't a mess; it was not dull. It was vibrant, pastel and full of flowers and life. It had posters that were not perfectly straight, but it was fine. He thinks it was done on purpose. There's colour. There are books on the shelves he doesn't understand about things he's not interested in written by a man he never knew. They're very important, and he doesn't ever touch them. Neither does Naruto.

When Naruto has company over, they tease their surprise at the house's condition. The same lines about how he must spend half his day cleaning to keep up with living with someone as messy as Naruto are given to him awkwardly, as they acknowledge his presence in the only way they know how--- through a mutual interest; through Naruto. He understands; and doesn't reply through the thick, stiff air. They try to make conversation because they think they have to. No one really knows what to Sasuke, and Sasuke doesn't really know what to say, either.

Usually he doesn't say anything at all. _They prefer that, I'm sure._

 

Regardless of what other people might think, the house was perfect. It was newly built, so it still smelled fresh and unfamiliar at the same time. It always smelt like fruit and mint, and it was never the temperature they wanted it to be. Inexplicably, it was still the place he felt the most safe.  
 _\--Safe? Did he need to feel safe? When did he come to rely on the feeling? Was he safe here?_

The essentials are more than is necessary. Some people speculate it's because a nice house might bribe him to stay, but Sasuke thinks they just think that highly of Naruto. The kitchen and bathroom are larger than he ever would've chosen for himself. The bedrooms are each sized appropriately, but his lays abandoned in favour of the living-room. It has a door that leads to a small pond, which glistens in the sunset and attracts creatures competing in volume with his thoughts, and if he leaves it open at night the white noise and fresh air make him feel almost... peaceful.

 

Sometimes cleaning was a coping mechanism. Other days it was just something to do. He wasn't a very messy person, and Naruto wasn't here most of the time; so it never got especially dirty. There were many reasons the house was not dirty. He didn't explain them to anyone. People like jokes. People like their own jokes. House arrest was not like prison. It's not cheap food and iron bars, it's domesticity and suffocation. It's also Naruto. It's hours of solitude while Naruto works. This was a fitting punishment; to make him have to think. He'd been alone for years, but somehow it's worse when there's another option. He doesn't remember fighting with himself so much, either.

_What's the matter? You already guessed that you're broken. This is part of that._

 

Keeping his house--their house--clean, was comforting. Nice home. Nice life. Something they'll have to always come back to.  
 _Why are you always afraid he isn't going to come back? You're the one who admitted defeat, not him. You're the one who left in the first place. You're the one who's cursed._

 _You're broken, Uchiha. You've really fucked this up._ The word kept its presence in the back of his mind, like an itch he couldn't scratch---,   
_You do scratch it. You scratch it until it bleeds. That's who you are. So why does Naruto...?_

 _Don't dwell on that,_ he glared, his reflection full of venom. His internal arguments took on several voices. He didn't know which was his.

They all are.

He chose to concentrate on better, nicer things. He had some good things.

 _He is the good thing. What else do you have?_ _The only thing you ever even remember having had is him. Can you remember Mother? Father? Itachi? What were they like?_

Naruto's cooking----he decided as a new topic. His thoughts filled with when it's almost dark and the idiot comes out of the kitchen, beaming proudly after wasting an entire day away in the kitchen. At first he'd been restless not having any missions to attend to or friends to chase. He hadn't known how to spend his free time when he wasn't helping out friends or the town to rebuild itself. He started simple, taking back his childhood hobby of gardening. Of course, being Naruto, he had to take it to the extreme, and he learned through trial and error how to cook.

Sasuke wondered if he'd employed this level of effort when he was training as a child and he'd just been too exasperated with his antics to notice.

_He worked even harder for you. You didn't see that, either._

Sasuke clenched his teeth. _Don't talk about it._

Naruto talked a lot when he cooked, which Sasuke liked. He didn't feel the need to reply, because it wasn't really a conversation. He just filled the silences with an essence of himself. Sometimes he'd ask Sasuke to taste something he made, other times he'd insist he did with that stubborn determination he had. He always carefully observed Sasuke's reactions, learning what he liked and didn't and for some reason caring, often spontaneously deciding to try something new he was positive he would like. Usually, Sasuke did. Or you just liked the attention.

 

Sometimes when he cooked, he'd close his eyes; smiling and humming old playground songs, swaying to himself. The smell of the house would synchronize itself with whatever Naruto was cooking. The whole planet seemed to hum comfortably, the earth following and moulding itself in Naruto's existence. In those moments, things were quiet. His brain didn't have anything to add. He had nothing to say. He would sit in the doorway to the kitchen, hands folded, eyes watching Naruto tiredly. Once or twice, when the voice shut up and he sunk into the feeling of home, he even hummed along.

 

_Naruto was definitely a good thing._

 

Sasuke's heart thudded quicker at the thought. It did that a lot lately. He was sure that meant something. Worse, though, was the feeling of aching when he wasn't here. A weakness in itself, a contradiction to evolution to feel so inclined towards someone's presence. Sasuke could operate by himself. He had survived the worst parts of his life so far, and would survive the best.

_What if this feeling is related to the best? Of course, you know what that means, right?_

He focused on his reflected vision. His cheeks were now tainted with red, in obvious contrast to his pale form. He had to start moving. Stop thinking, start doing something that wasn't...pining.

 _Uchiha men do not pine,_ a voice said in the back of his head. It sounded like his oice, but younger. More naiive.

_How do you know? Have you ever asked one? Uchihas are human. Things like this, the emotional ones, they're the ones your eyes don't help you with. You are not immune because of your eyes. You know what it's like for a Uchiha to fall in --_

 

"Stop it." He hissed aloud, interrupting his own train of thought. They were not true words. He would not let them sink into his skin lest they settle within his reach. He would not scratch at them.

He pointedly did not think as he punched the wall. He had no thoughts, unless the flash of pain as his knuckles made a hard cracking noise against the wood were to be counted. Still, he was not thinking. His left arm, still tingling with a sense of foreignness stung stubbornly at the contact, but didn't let up. He was sure if his arm hadn't been regrown so carefully after the war it would have broke. He frowned at the palm of his hand, eyes scanning in spite of himself for something he knew wasn't there anymore.

You don't really care about the mark. Just who it connected you to, and that it meant there was a connection to be had.

 

"Y'need a hobby, teme."

 

Sasuke turned around at the new voice. He'd been preoccupied. He hadn't bothered to feel for his presence. He rationalized that this was why he was so startled, why he'd been able to sneak up behind him. It could be that he's so used to Naruto's presence it doesn't raise an alarm to him anymore, even unexpectedly. Or perhaps it was just growth, and Naruto could do that now. Naruto could do many things now he didn't know of.

 

_You're slipping, Uchiha. You got soft, and now you're not good for anything at all._

 

Naruto looked pensive. This was not what he was known for, and it was odd. He slouched in the doorframe, arms crossed and eyes thoughtful. He was quiet and a shade of reserved that was almost inappropriate for who he was. His spiky hair, a speculative unnatural shade of sunshine gold was just as disheveled as usual. His assaulting ensemble of bright orange discarded at the door. He smiled. Sasuke exhaled forcefully. His chest was in revolt.

 

"I don't need a hobby. I need to get out." He muttered irritably. "I need permission. Not distractions." He regretted the words as they left his mouth. Yes, he was suffocating in this house. Yes, he was starting fights with himself he didn't intend on finishing. Naruto didn't need to know this.

He deserved it, in any case. He deserved worse. He had no right to say anything different. It wasn't like Naruto was a punishment. He wasn't even close. He was just a source of eternal frustration; a figure to scream and cry at until he lost his voice and who could take his blows with time to spare-- who could take him, could take it, whatever he threw at him, and for some reason did. Who he could sob into after a nightmare and shove off like a hot iron when he's done, because Naruto understands.

_When you are allowed out, who will you turn to, then?_

 

He looked down, fingers fiddling absently with bandages adorning his torso that he hadn't gotten around to taking off. They remind him particularly of fighting. He enjoys fighting. It's the only thing he's good at, the only thing he's confident he knows anything about. He doesn't have to analyze; he just knows. It's muscle memory. Figuring out your opponent out like a puzzle is a game. It's alright in a battle for Sasuke to just be.   
Or at least it was. Now he's mostly terrified. His autopilot is a producer of pain. This says something about him. He's begun to despise his reflexes. Sasuke never meant to hurt this many people. Nonetheless, he has.

_The ones who fight the hardest to save you are the ones who have the most right not to forgive you. Which is why you're thinking of it, right? Who do you have left?_

"Hey, man, don't worry. There's been a lotta talk, an' Baa-chan says it's just another month. Then you can do whatever! Even join the counsel, I bet. No way they wouldn't want someone like you in it." His face lit up. "You could teach... Even go on missions when we start getting commissioned more, ya know? It's been a bit slow, but that's to be expected." He wavered, reciting carefully around the subject. Neither of them were entirely sure what the future held for Sasuke in Konoha.

"A month..." He looked off, his face stone. He didn't have time to process the rest of it. Would Naruto kick him out right away? Or wait a while? Would he subtly hint at it, or bluntly shove ultimatums at him?

 _You'll never be able to handle that._ The voice sounded almost pitying, but still overtly cruel somehow.  
"Honestly, I'm kind of pissed they don't trust my judgement! I'm basically like, the coolest guy ever! You'd think that'd get me some credit, yeah?" Naruto grumbled. "I think Baa-chan's just playin' hard to get! Dontcha think, teme?"

"It's me they don't trust." Sasuke assured, --------I'm holding you back. I'm ruining your reputation. I'm a coward for not being able to say thank you. You know that I'm a coward.---- "You know that." He finished.

"Nah. Hey, if they don't trust you, they don't trust me. What's the difference? We obviously come together."

  
Still _so_ sure of him.

Still so _sure_ that he was worth it.

All these years later and he still had that stupid fucking grin. That godawful fucking heroic stance that half made you want to roll your eyes and half made you feel like this meant everything was going to be fine. He was here. Of course it was going to be fine. That even though realistically we all know it's not going to be fine, somehow a show of idiocy could make you feel safe.

_Safety. There's that word again. Is he allowed safety?_

 

"I don't know." He whispered, brows furrowed, frustrated. What about when this ends? When he loses the accumulated safety? What then? 

 

"What's that, 'suke?"

 

He shook it off, crossing his arms. He didn't look at him when he asked the question; he never did. He looked at the floor, covered in soiled gauze.

"Are you still sure about me?" If his voice betrayed anything, Naruto didn't mention it. He was tender, which was not a word most people thought in correlation to the blond. He stepped a bit closer, not sure of what his motives were.

_Are you going to hurt Naruto?_

_No_.  _No_ , he insisted against the voice.  _Never again._

 

"Of course." Naruto shrugged as if it was nothing. It _wasn't_ nothing. He stumbled for a second over what he wanted to say. "I never go back on my word, teme. Are ya gettin' forgetful in your old age?" Sasuke asked the question every day, so it's possible he is. There were always the same exchanges. Not verbatim, but the premise was the same. He asked, and Naruto laughed it off. Sasuke almost wanted to laugh, too, but he just... couldn't.

Sasuke furrowed his brows, a frown resting on his beautiful face . Maybe he  _could_ laugh it off, too, and mention that he's only a few months older than Naruto, but he couldn't conjure it up. He, for whatever reason, needed him to say it again, and again, and again. He was like a broken record. He needed to make things hard. He should apologize, but he can't. No one expects anything from him anymore, least of all Naruto. He looked at him through lidded lashes, elaborating on his thoughts before speaking them. You'd think having the questions memorized would make asking them easier.

"Why?" He decided, finally. "I just... Don't get it?" 

_Why do you care about me? Why did you forgive me? What makes you think I deserve it? Why do you trust me so much? Do you trust me? _Do I... Can I?__

Naruto's eyes glanced downwards to them. _ __What_  was in his eyes? (Why can't you tell? What is he thinking? How was he feeling?)__

 He stepped lightly, almost meekly towards his friend. Naruto's eyes glanced towards his wounds, settling on his face briefly.

"'Cause...you're my friend." Naruto reasoned.

_Why did he sound so uncertain? Was he uncertain?_

_Proximity, Uchiha. You're making him uncomfortable._

_Oh._

 

They're odd words to rely on, but without fail, he still asked for them. _When did the great last remaining Uchiha become dependent on a life of reassurances? What would Itachi think?_

His hands came to rest on Sasuke's shoulders, comforting him further. He worried his lip, like he was thinking about something. Sasuke wondered again in frustration about what nonsensical, overdriven, idiotic things could possibly silence someone who always has something to say. He didn't know what to say.

 

"You can't know for sure." He argued, keeping himself at the same level of doubt. If he didn't trust himself, why did Naruto? Why was he so willing to fall back into the same patterns? Everything he'd done in his life was wrong. A set of elaborate, meticulous bad decisions. Overdramatic and bigger than need ever be. "No one can be sure of anything."

_You know this, yet it doesn't stop you from continually doing the same thing over and over, ruining everything with a passion. Why?_

God damn it; couldn't the voice just stay consistent? 

 "Maybe not. But..." Naruto grinned, shrugging, "I just am, you know? I just know. I mean, it's not like that matters, right? I'd never give up on you."

 

Sasuke's eyes welled with tears, and he looked away. Shit.  _Get ahold of yourself, Uchiha._ He sniffed slightly, wiping his mouth with his hand distractedly. He's hurled immediately into a spiral of flashbacks, leaning over Naruto's unconscious body, looking over to him as they're both inches from death.

He doesn't know how to protect him. He doesn't know anything.

 

_Get ahold of yourself._

 

 

/  /

Naruto's voice was his favourite kind of white noise. It filled Sasuke's silence with semirelevant chitchat. Things both of them knew he had no real interest in, but as he tuned in to the tone of his voice, held a purpose. He was quietly grateful for this, and the boy's ability to turn everything into a story, everything into a colourful depiction of life at its fullest. He can't remember ever being talkative, and Naruto allowed him this. His voice let him get away from his mind for a few seconds and relax into something and someone calmer.

 

 

_What are you trying to escape, Uchiha? When you know that you can't? It's not leaving. It's you._ Your _feelings._ Your _past._ Your _humanity._

 

_Stop it._

 

"Hey, teme? You okay?" Naruto inquired, placing some food in front of Sasuke.

Rather than the expectations of ramen or hastily thrown together storebought meals like their guests tend to expect from the blond, it was genuine , home-cooked onigiri, with some curious skewers of seasoned tomato. He chuckled inwardly at the concept of his _\--Yours? No. Stop thinking like that.--_ Naruto, elbows deep in elaborate recipes, wrestling with things like spices and proportions. Of course... who knows? Sasuke was never any good at it. 

 

"I'm fine." He replied.

Bad day. It was just a bad day. There'd been a lot of those lately. He tried to sleep through the worst bits, but his subconscious would not relent, taunting him with vivid depictions of everything he had come to fear, everyone he'd come to fear losing. (Every one person? Exactly who are you kidding?) Obsessing over everyone he'd already lost. He chastised himself thoroughly.

 Bad day. It was just a bad day. There had been a lot of those lately. He tried to sleep through the worst parts, the parts that made him think in contradictions. His subconscious would not relent, and it taunted him with vivid depictions of everything he had come to fear. Who he had come to fear losing, again, and obsessing over everyone he'd already lost. He felt stupid; he was. He was less than the prodigy he promised he was.

_What good is it to dwell on nightmares and push real life away? What must it be like for Naruto, to live with someone so cold and harsh, who never talks unless he's distanced or shouting and who cries in his sleep?_

_Why do you do this?_

_I don't know._

 

"It's...noisy today." He added, looking away. He didn't want to see Naruto's face. He knew he was strange. He didn't want to see it on Naruto's face. He didn't want to see concern. He didn't like seeing him, and seeing he was hurt because of him. It was well into the range of deniability, he thinks, and that he can pretend he hasn't heard Naruto cry at night. It might not even be because of him. He wouldn't ask. 

_Deniability.  
_

 

 

"Hey." Naruto spoke up.

Sasuke looked at him with a type of cautious curiosity, unsure of what to expect. Sometimes he was sad, sometimes he was hopeful. A few times, he's been angry, frustrating them both with questions of moving past this. Sasuke was apologetic in behaviour, quieting himself, minimizing his damage, not trusting himself and second guessing when he did. He couldn't pretend he deserved better than how his life fared lately. What could he do? What did he deserve? He was broken. (Of course it's him to be the only irreparable soul in the world, the only one who could make this as convoluted. It is what it is.)

 

"We're gonna get through this." Naruto promised. "That's just how we are."

 

  
_That's how you are_ , he thought, but didn't say.  _You're stupidly hopeful. If you were smart you'd give up._

_You don't want him to, though._

_That doesn't change the fact he should._

 

Changing the subject, Naruto chattered on happily about Sakura --she and Rock Lee had started dating. Sasuke didn't find it as strange as Naruto did. Her best option had been Naruto, and all his effort had been placed in him. (It's so like you to keep him from happiness.) His friends-- Sai talking about his date with Ino, Hinata and Kiba's newly developing relationship, Kakashi's nonsense. Further explaining  the progress of rebuilding the town, funny things that were said, arguments that were had, jokes that were told, and overall, lessons that were learned. It seemed like all his friends were growing up, moving into relationships, doing more for themselves. It made Sasuke feel nostalgic, almost. His head quieted down after a while, enough new information to process, enough warmth in his presence to forget the war in his mind for a little while. 

 

  
_Maybe that can be enough_ , he pleaded, though to whom he was not entirely sure. Some all seeing, all knowing force, something bigger than it all.  _Maybe your hope is enough._

**

 

He woke up shaking. He bolted straight out of bed, so urgent and afraid it was a wonder he hadn't ripped out a stitch or two. The wounds burned slightly and he focused on it in his haze of terror, sweat dripping from his face, his shoulders, his chest, down the back of his neck. He realized he was crying, body convulsing with the effort of restraining his whimpers. The room was dark and the air was thick, making it hard to breathe. Once he calmed down enough to realize he was awake, and that the visions that once danced before his eyelids were a mere figment of his internal masochism and exhaustion, he came to the conclusion he wasn't alone in the room. Comforting hands, comforting smells. Slowing his breaths to the point he could count Naruto's heartbeats in the silence, he focused. (Focused on keeping the visions out. Why are you so scared? This wouldn't be a problem if you could protect yourself. If you could protect anyone.)

 

"Shut...up!" He ground out, tears leaking from his eyes frustratedly. (This is what it is to be broken.) "Shut up! Shut up!" He shouted and pressed his palms hard into his close eyes, watching the dark turn to colours, strange patterns calmly emerging from nowhere. His hands were wet. ( You don't deserve redemption.) I  _KNOW THAT. HOW COULD I EVER FORGET?_

 

"It's me. I'm here, Sasuke, it's okay. You're okay."  _It wasn't me I was worried for. It was because of me. It's all my fault._ He let out a stifled sob, his clenched teeth letting out a small burst of air in effort to hold it in.  _Please don't let me hurt you._ Naruto's arms fastened themselves around Sasuke almost instinctively, no words, no hesitations, and Sasuke found himself, even despite his fingers clenched in Naruto's shirt, his uncontrollable rage at himself, his body shaking in pathetic attempts to resist this --what his life was, now-- leaning into the embrace, depending on it, white knuckles clenched, soaking Naruto's shirt with reminders of exactly how human he was.

 

Naruto murmured barely discernible whispers resembling sweet nothings, distracting Sasuke like it was the most important thing in the world, telling him about anything and everything to make him okay for a little bit. His words were gentle and thoughtful, nothing like anyone would hear from his brash persona outside of an insightful speech to an enemy.  His words were tender. They caressed him, lulled him. After what seemed like hours, his tears choked off into occasional sobs, leaving him lighter, emptier. 

 

He fell asleep like that, in Naruto's arms, calmed by his unique scent of miso and mint, his voice scratchy, tired, but unrelenting. The last thing he felt was a soft touch of lips on his forehead, like a mother's loving caress to her child. 

 

 

He did not suffer his dream again that night.

 

***

 

This time, he awoke calmly, alone and feeling groggish, his face stiff with the residue of last night's incident. He realized that he felt lonesome at the absence of Naruto's presence with him, but it was hardly the blond's fault. For one, Naruto probably knew Sasuke would feel embarrassed of last night and didn't want to give him any immediate reminders or force him to breach the subject by staying. Plus, Sasuke had no way of knowing what time it was. It could be early morning, late afternoon, or any variation. He was not good at keeping time anymore. Looking around, he realized that he wasn't actually alone, that Naruto was sitting across the room near the door that lead out to their yard, studying a scroll in the natural light. 

 

"D'ya want me or Sakura to change your bandages?" Naruto piped up at last, setting aside his scroll, the sides of which squeaked metallically as it was slid across the hard wood floor. "I've gotten pretty good  at them myself y'know, but Sakura insisted we could call her if we need anything."

 

 

"I can change them myself." 

 

 

"Don't be stubborn, teme."

 

"I'm not a child." He intoned. 

 

"You're not an octopus, either. It's no big deal, it's what friends--"

 

"No, Naruto!" He snapped. Lowering his voice, he paced himself. "I want to do it myself. I don't need to be handled like glass. Stop acting like I do." (Don't you?)  _Shut up._

 

Naruto looked at him hard, studying his face like a puzzle, calculating his response. Sasuke felt himself losing his temper, felt himself wrestle with helplessness. Why? Why is he so angry over this? (Because you can't change.)  _Why? Why?!_

 

"Okay." Naruto nodded. "I'll go get the stuff." Naruto left the room, leaving Sasuke to think. He'd overreacted. But Naruto hadn't said anything. Again, he had had taken him for granted, pushed him away again, after he'd reached out so many times before, after his hand had been smacked away again and again. Sasuke was sure he was used to it, but he also agonized over how many more times he could impulsively slap that hand away before it didn't come back for him.

 

(Before it didn't come back to save you?)  _I don't need saving. (_ Only because you can't possibly be saved.) _Leave me alone. (_ Even you have to realize how pathetic that sounded.)

Naruto returned, handing Sasuke the first aid kit. He sat down across from him,  evidently ready to help if needed. Sasuke arched an eyebrow at him curiously.

 

"I, uh, am technically not supposed to be letting you do this yourself." Naruto mentioned, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

 

"Will you get in trouble?" Sasuke asked, tilting his head to analyze the blond. 

 

"Nah. It's just Sakura! She loves me." He joked. "But to be safe, I should take off your bandages. I don't want those stitches poppin' out. I'm a shitty repairman."

 

Sasuke nodded in cooperation, looking down at the kit. It had a smear of dried blood on one half in the shape of a hand, like a desperate idiot had fumbled through his own wounds to tend another's, clutching his own bleeding openings but rushing panicked to attend the other's.  _It's just Sakura_ , his mind repeated.  _She loves me._  (Everybody loves you, Naruto.) _Stop that._

 

Naruto came beside Sasuke, fingers grazing his soft torso skittishly before firmly , firmly holding and moving his arms upwards, folding at the elbow behind his head so they were criss-crossed on top of eachother. Sasuke's head turned, watching his friend's large form, observing his deliberate gentleness with trusting eyes, feeling a sense of vulnerability he was not yet accustomed to, but that was strangely inviting. He considered making a jab about if Naruto was going to tickle him or cut off his bandages, but there was something ...off about Naruto today.  A word Sasuke didn't know, couldn't place. Wouldn't place. A delicate level of affection in his actions. He didn't cut them right away. He was distracted, seemingly, his hands roaming over Sasuke's various wounds. His brows were furrowed in thought, his fingers still feather-light, making sure not to agitate anything. Sasuke almost thought he was going to try to kiss the gnarled red marks away. (It's honestly a little sad that you wish he would.) His fingers left tingling trails on his skin.

 

He watched him as he finally reached for the first aid kit, taking the scissors and making a careful snip in the gauze. With the same rounded delicacy, he started to unwrap the gauze, slowly, making sure to look up at any indication there might be pain, verify he's okay.  It was weird to see this level of concern for his physical wounds in someone who was so proud of his ability to give him them. (Like how you insult him but feel like no one else has the right to do so? No one else understands him enough to say those things like you? Even then...) 

 

Naruto coughed, looking away discreetly when the gauze was gone. When Sasuke looked down, it didn't seem too bad. The stitches were still holding, though a little less tightly after last night, and blood was crusted over in some areas lighter than others, but it appeared to be healing alright. He might not even end up with a scar, after all.

 

"After the month is over...how soon do you want me out?" Sasuke asked idly as he disinfected his wound. It stung slightly, not enough for a seasoned hardass like himself to notice. He looked onto Naruto with a blank expression. He didn't want to know the answer. He knew he didn't want to know the answer, but it was stuck on his mind and he needed to fill the silence with something. (You're lying to yourself. Your wound is healing. It doesn't hurt anymore. But maybe you want it to. You're punishing yourself.)

 

(Good.)

 

"I don't." Naruto answered. "Want you out, I mean. I... like how it is right now. Spending time with you, and stuff. I just assumed you'd wanna get your own place." 

 

Sasuke's eyes narrowed slightly. Why does Naruto have to pretend Sasuke isn't a burden? Who is he kidding? He  _likes it how it is right now?_  With Sasuke leaning on him all the time, breathing down his neck, his endless insecurities, immeasurable baggage-- what about this could  _possibly_  not suck? (It's this over what you put him through the last several years. Of course he'd prefer this inconvenience to that pain. Maybe he doesn't trust you to come back. You make him sad, you know. )

 

"Hn." The bandages he was wrapping turned out to be harder than planned. He attempted to unsnag the stubborn gauze and his torso ended up twisting enough to cause him to let out a sharp exhale of pain in surprise. Wordlessly, Naruto assisted, finishing the roll of gauze and taping it securely on the older man. Again, his hands lingered--- almost against his will, trailing down his abdomen. 

 

"Stand up." 

 

Sasuke did. Even though he suspected that neither of them knew what the blond was doing, Sasuke followed Naruto's lead, not unlike many other times before. Naruto surprised them both by sliding his fingers under one of the lower bandages as it slid down the other's waste, kneeling to tape it back up. Before he did, he stopped, and just once--just quickly laid a kiss on Sasuke's stomach. There was no pain there. No wound to heal. Just ...Sasuke. Maybe that meant something. Maybe he wanted it to mean something. His cheeks flourished a bright pink, his skin tingling and chest fluttering in surprise. Even now, he was the only person he'd ever kissed. The only person who had ever kissed him. He wondered what that meant. And what it meant that he liked that. 

 

 

 

Not feeling-- or seeing a negative reaction from Sasuke, he did it again. And again, and again. Peppering kisses on any clear area of skin he could find. Softly, out of curiosity. Gently. Lovingly...? What was this? What were they doing? His heart rate quickened. He felt hotter, needier. He didn't know what that was or what he wanted, exactly, just that he wanted... more. Naruto peeked up at him, bright cerulean eyes behind thick pale golden lashes. Abruptly, he stood up, his dark skin even betraying a glimpse of the aggressive blush adorning his cheeks. He didn't say anything, but he wasn't cold about it. He cleared his throat and left the room hurriedly, hand covering his mouth awkwardly. 

 

Sasuke watched him go, confused and unsure of most things once again. He hesitantly sat back down, mentally going over the last few minutes (four minutes, twenty two .3 seconds) as if his life depended on it, wondering what it was that just happened, if he'd done something wrong. Wondering what Naruto was thinking... and if he was just as confused as Sasuke was right now, why he didn't stop Naruto's affections, why he liked (?) it. Why when it's Naruto, he goes along with him unconditionally, no matter how little faith he has in the plan himself, even after all this time. 

 

(Regardless of those things, you need him.) 

 

  
_I know_. He replied to himself.

 

 

****

 

"Hey, Sasuke? Naruto inquired later that night at dinner. He'd been out all day, helping with construction on some of the last houses. It'd been a year since the war, but due to several complications (even besides the average 3-4 month recovery rate for a large amount of shinobi who were crucially injured) it took longer than the Hokage had hoped. Realistically, of course, it's surprising it got done as fast as it did. Inevitably, without Naruto's help and his chakra, it likely wouldn't have.

 

He hadn't been home, so neither had spoken of what happened earlier. Furthermore, Sasuke had decided he refused to be the one broach the subject. He had no idea what it was. What they were doing. What he was doing, letting him do what he did--(God, even your subconscious is a clusterfuck of convoluted confusion. Is anything at all in your life certain?)  _Yes_ , he replies immediately.  _Naruto. It had to be._

 

"Hn?" He acknowledged.

 

"Are you still wanting to be Hokage?" He stared, playing with his food more than eating it. He'd come in directly from working out in the sun all day, so he was drenched with sweat, faintly smelling of something familiar, something nostalgic Sasuke couldn't place. (Even after a hard day of work, he cooked for you. Why?) Sasuke's eyes trailed down to Naruto's hands, course from woodwork, paying special attention to places that weren't relevant to a  professional observation. 

 

(His lips are full but chapped. Are they naturally so pink? Where'd he get that scar on his shoulder? How have his other scars healed? Has his arm regrown as smoothly as yours? Why now? Why are you noticing this now? Why are you wondering this now? How low have you sunk?) 

 

"...I don't think so." Sasuke said at last. 

 

"Oh?" He set his plate aside. "Why?"

 

"Every time I made a large decision like that in the past it went to hell. Maybe..."  _I could still help out. I could still help you. Help you make this town better, fix all the mistakes of hatred that have been made. No one's better at that than you._ He thought. He thought...because he could never actually say that. (You're a coward. You can't help anything.)

 

"Huh. Well, y'know, once this whole thing's cleared up, the village could still use you. Even if you're not Hokage."

 

Sasuke chuckled darkly, looking at his plate stubbornly. "No one could use me."

 

"Shut up, Sasuke." Naruto frowned. Sasuke looked up at him in surprise. Naruto let out a sigh of exasperation. "Stop saying shit like that. This isn't like you!"

 

"Funny." Sasuke spat bitterly. "Here I thought I knew myself."

 

"Well, you don't, asshole. And it ain't your job to. I'll do it for you. Stop being like this. You have people who care about you, people who want you to--- people who want you to be happy. People  _can_  forgive you!"

 

"Who says I want them to?" Sasuke replied. "Who says I think I should be?"

 

"That's fucking stupid. Everyone deserves to be forgiven. You know that! No matter what you do. 'Sides, did you forget that you helped end the war? You earned that! You earned forgiveness--"

 

"I didn't. You're the only one who doesn't see that."

 

"You're wrong. Stop being an idiot! You have people who care about you! It ain't just me."

 

"I don't need people. I don't want them. They don't understand." Sasuke argued. "All I have..." Is you. (Which you don't deserve. _) I don't understand that, do we ever deserve people? Do we earn the ones who love us? (_ Love? You? Who could love you?)  _I don't know. I don't know... (_ Why can't you decide? Do you deserve redemption or are you just hypocritical enough to want it?)

 

Wordlessly, Naruto stood up, effectively ending the conversation. He collected the dinner plates and receded into the kitchen, leaving Sasuke alone with his thoughts. It was generally a bad idea to do that, his mind racing almost as quickly as Naruto was gone. He hadn't expected Naruto's quick re-arrival in their livingroom, because Naruto couldn't possibly understand the noise in his head right now. After all he was perfectly fine leaving Sasuke to think during the day. There was barely any difference. (He told you when you hurt he could feel it, too. Why are you doubting him?)

 

"Ne, teme. We should shower." Naruto grinned, same enthusiastic voice as when he was twelve and had another brilliant bonehead idea that would surely end in either danger or detention. Back then, he always knew it would turn out badly yet always tagged along. All these years later, he was still awful at resisting the games of Naruto Uzumaki. Naruto's appearance had changed outright, no longer a trace of irritation or anger of any kind. (Suspicious.)  _Why does it have to be_?

 

 

Sasuke scowled. "I am capable of bathing by myself." He retorted. "You don't need to supervise me." 

 

Naruto nodded. "I know." Clearly not intending on saying anything else, he calmly walked to their bathroom, not closing the door behind him. Sasuke faintly heard Naruto's footsteps creaking around the bathroom, waiting intently for any indication that this invitation was some kind of... what? He had no idea what to think. He didn't know what that idiot was thinking. 

 

Without him fully conscious of it, his feet carried him to the door, standing uncertainly in front of it. Through the wide crack it was open, Sasuke saw Naruto, crouched over and adjusting the temperature of the water, still clothed. The inside of the bathroom itself was nice, spacious. The floors were a tiled sand coloured and the walls were a dark, wood stained brown up until the top half which was an almost brick-like pattern of wood.  It had two shower heads, as the shower itself took up a great portion of the bathroom, separated by a long, thin glass door that Sasuke always felt was a liability. The shower's bottom was a maroon brown with a large drain in the middle. 

 

"Yo, teme." Naruto smiled. 

 

"...My bandages." Sasuke asked, still unsure about Naruto's invitation. What does it mean?

 

"They can't expect you not to bathe. We can cut the bandages off and give you new ones when you're dried."

 

Sasuke nodded. Naruto stepped over to him swiftly, surely. He slipped off Sasuke's dark blue robe deliberately slowly. Softly. Almost as if he was being sure not to push too much intimacy on him, which Sasuke found ridiculous considering what he was doing. Quickly, he grew tired of the careful attitude. He finished shrugging off his robe, gesturing for Naruto to hold his arms up before he clumsily dragged the other's shirt off. Naruto looked surprised, but overall pretty pleased. He still looked sure. Sasuke still was not.

 

Naruto, having received the memo, made quick work of the older man's bandages, pulling them gently but hastily away from his body.   

 

"Pretty eager for a shower, teme." He teased.

 

"You smell bad." He quipped. Naruto laughed. "Stop tiptoeing around me. I'm not going to break if you pull too hard."

 

"That's not why I'm being like this." Naruto insisted. Sasuke shook his head.

 

"Then you make even less sense than I thought, usuratonkachi." 

It was often like this. Sporadic and unexplainable, angry to frustrated to sad to normal. These moments were the ones Sasuke felt himself hang onto. His mind---his conscience could tear him apart all it wanted, but sometimes it was like this; it was calm. It was normal, and once again they fell back into sync, clicked perfectly as they had been as children. Back when they were one, like clockwork, interacting once again as people who could be happy. Sasuke clung to it desperately, pathetically, even-- The memories of Naruto, the family he found in him. (Family is not your forte.)

 

Naruto shrugged. He looked down and coughed. 

 

"It's a shower." Naruto noted. At first, Sasuke was confused because even Naruto wouldn't feel the need to state something that obvious... before realizing what he meant. They were both still wearing clothes. He nodded. He was a ninja; he had obviously stripped in front of people before. He'd shared hilariously close quarters with a large variety of people. He had even bathed with people before; people he was much less comfortable around, people with gawking eyes and superficial attractions to him. He wondered why he was more hesitant here. Seeing very obviously no way around it, Sasuke tied a towel around his waist, slipping his pants off under them. He turned and looked at Naruto questioningly, before stepping in the shower, as if challenging him. Naruto, who'd always been very proud of his body (and rightfully, Sasuke mentally notated), had no qualms with stripping in front of anyone. He slipped off his pants carelessly and stepped into the shower after him. As soon as he did, the ice cold water shocked the younger, making him let out a high pitched cry of terror. 

 

"OH! SWEET KAMI-SAMA, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME IT WAS F-FREEZING IN HERE?" Naruto screeched.

 

"To see your expression once you found out yourself." He almost smiled. (Don't pretend this is normal.)

 

"Yeah right! More like you wanted to distract yourself from my t-totally hot bod." He stuttered out, hurrying to adjust the temperature. Sasuke stifled a laugh, quirking an eyebrow in delight.

 

"Ne, dobe. If your body is so hot, I suspect it should even the temperature out itself, hn?"

 

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, pretty boy." Naruto pouted, water finally starting to heat up. "How's that not bother you, anyway?"

 

"Orochimaru." He left it at that. Naruto wasn't fond of hearing about Orochimaru's teaching tactics. He would always be so intent to know, but end up furious, cursing out an enemy that wasn't even there anymore. That wasn't even really there, in the end. Naruto's expression hardened, and he looked away, knowing he didn't want to know the details. Details just remind him of how he failed. Sasuke didn't want to lose how he'd felt moments before. His emotions had been moving around in a predictable yet uncertain pattern of sadness, doubt, fear, confusion and then happiness for a slight moment before choosing one of the above to roll onto next. A lot of it was hard. Right now it wasn't.

 

Neither Sasuke nor Naruto had cast their eyes downward openly, realizing this turf is strange and they didn't need to make it any moreso. Sasuke cleared his throat, reaching around Naruto to grab one of the sponges. Naruto looked at him confusedly for a second. Sasuke raised his eyebrows as if wondering why that was. He held it under the shower head, deciding it was full enough of water, pulling it away from the downpour and over Naruto's head, soaking him unexpectedly. Naruto's surprised squeals of mild terror amused the raven-haired boy, who smirked victoriously at his friend. 

 

"You bastard!" He choked out, pointing a finger accusingly at the other. He grabbed the shower head by the hose, pointing the nozzle directly at Sasuke's face, who remained smug despite it. 

 

"We're in a shower, usuratonkachi." Sasuke reminded, bringing a pale hand up to flick the water out of his eyes. "One might expect they'd get wet."

 

"Yeah? Well-- well...shut up." 

 

Naruto grabbed another sponge, deciding to start washing himself of the grime he'd collected during work today before all the hot water runs out. Which would be the first time this month, he reminded himself unnecessarily.  All those damned cold showers. Which made him feel weird; and bad, because who is he to be getting ...you know, hot for a guy who trusts him? Who needs him, whether or not he'll admit that? Isn't that...betrayal, or something? He zoned out, almost forgetting the warm presence beside him, who is assumably doing the same. Of course, his hot breath and the way he managed to continue to smell like himself even in the midst of showering, with him, covered in dirt, the way he was so close to him after so long were reminders that were too difficult to completely discard. 

 

He washed himself ritually, losing himself in the bubbles and the smell of Sasuke's soap. Not entirely forgetting Sasuke himself. He wondered how he looked right now. Hopefully not quite as awkward as he felt. He also wondered why it mattered, because he probably wasn't being watched. Sasuke's just not as ...curious as he is. Though he's not as convinced about that theory as he wanted to be. Everyone got curious. Not everyone got touchy-feely, not everyone kissed, not everyone got emotional, sad, hurt, and um, yknow, aroused by one particular person without calling it something more than an experiment. He didn't think this was being curious. He'd been curious in school about girls, but... They never made him feel like this, not even close. He'd loved girls before. 

 

Unfortunately he just  never felt the way about them that he felt about Sasuke. Not even close. What do you even call that?  _Is_  he gay? 

 

Sasuke's mind was less busy for once. Naruto's eyes were closed, Sasuke's slipped. Naruto was well-sculpted. There were a number of jagged --and smooth, and other strangely patterned-- scars amidst his skin, some light, a sort of orange tinted beige, others a deep maroon. Those ones went deeper, he thought. He wondered why his Kyuubi hadn't healed them. His eyes didn't wander. (Yes, they did. And all your observations are logical, planned. You're not being honest. You're trying to pretend you're not feeling anything.)  _I'm not_. (You always are. Maybe you always will.) _Can't you stop?_

 

(Can't you stop?)

 

 

"Naruto." Sasuke spoke clearly, so as to be heard over the pattering of the shower, to be heard over the own annoying ringing of his thoughts. Naruto met his gaze intensely, as if understanding what was on Sasuke's mind from his tone of voice. More persistently today because he wasn't sure what they were anymore. He wasn't sure what Naruto felt like they were. And the way he knew what he was going to ask, the way he oraced himself to answer it again and again, the way he saw it coming on, the way he had to go through trouble day after day just to relieve Sasuke's insecurities. Why? Why him? (Why are you worth it? Are you worth it?)  _Am I worth..._? "Why me?" He asked.

 

"Because... you're Sasuke." Naruto answered simply. "Whatever else that comes with it, any problem, we're just gonna have to face it, 'cause we have to. I can't explain it." 

 

"Because I'm...me?" He repeated, dumbfound. He'd never gotten a different answer. For an entire year. He had relied on the simplicity in Naruto's voice, the way he'd keep saying the same thing, regardless of what head told him about repeating himself. His answer... what had changed? And why was he still so sure? Him being himself--what did that have anything to do with it? "But I'm... I'm...? What if I--" (What if I can't be who you think I can be? What if I'm not that Sasuke? What if I'm not the person you believed in?) But Naruto didn't listen. He shook his head, silencing any worries Sasuke was about to spur on him. He leaned in, slowly, bringing his hand up and cupping Sasuke's face. Sasuke's breath hitched. Sasuke met his eyes nervously, (nervously? Why are you--why is he nervous?) unsure of what was happening. What was Naruto doing? Didn't he love Sakura? (It would leave him better off than loving y...)

 

Their lips met. His mind stopped its taunts. His heart quickened and his face turned pink again but he was... fine with that. He found himself closing his eyes before he finally sank into the feeling. The water patted harder against his back and he forced himself to loosen up. Chapped, full lips pressing against his own. Naruto's. Naruto. He relaxed. Safety. Safe. It's Naruto. Clumsily, he responded to the kiss-- as well as he could. Moving his lips back in an effort to give Naruto the signal he was alright, signal him that he could pull a little harder, that he wouldn't break. Naruto understood, and their lips started mingling, new and clumsy with horrible rhythm but they didn't notice.

 

' _Because you're Sasuke_ ,' he considered idly, his mind now much quieter. Curiously, his eyes opened, studying Naruto's form. He wrapped his arms around Naruto, one around his shoulder, hand playing in the wet hair at the back of his head, the other under his arm, sliding across his back. He still tasted like he did when he was twelve. How is that even possible? It was odd to be touched affectionately. In the bizarre territory, under the water, pressed up against Naruto's bulkier form, he was calm despite this. Perhaps he understood what Naruto meant. ' _Because I'm Sasuke...'_

 

"You're okay with this?" Naruto asked, when Sasuke finally reasoned it time to catch a breath. "I mean...?"

 

"It's... because you're Naruto." Sasuke muttered, leaning his head into the crook of his (friend's? Boyfriend's?) neck.  "I'm okay with it. Because it's...With you." Sasuke frowned at himself inwardly, trying to find a way to summarize, to say it in a way that would make sense, in a way that Naruto would know means everything. His head started to blare with ways he could have rephrased it, but it didn't matter. Naruto leaned in, his lips coddling Sasuke's with a new purpose. 

 

"What are we, then?" Sasuke managed to ask at another breathing point. Naruto's hands wrapped around Sasuke's waist reassuringly, thinking it over. Sasuke's arms trailed along various parts of Naruto, mapping out his body with motive. His eyes followed slowly, possessively.

 

"I guess... I dunno. We're just... Naruto and Sasuke."

 

Sasuke thought that over for a minute. He leaned up, this time softly pressing a kiss on Naruto's forehead. His hands reached out to turn the shower off, twisting the knob until the water spurred and died.

 

 

"Naruto and Sasuke." He nodded in agreement. Naruto grinned brightly.

 

(You're trapping him with you, now? How selfish.)

 

"I'm still..." The older boy trailed off, unsure of how to warn the blond of his state. Dripping wet he went over the different ways to phrase that he was unsure of himself, not wanting to scare him off but finding it unfair to stick him with someone like him, who argued with himself and couldn't choose a side. (He knows. He believes in you.)  _Which is why he deserves a proper warning._

 

"You're still Sasuke." He pointed out as if it was the simplest thing in the world. Maybe for him it was.  _He believes in me..._

 

For once, he waited anxiously for the voice that lingered in the backdrop of his mind to come and reveal some revelation as to why this was going to fail, why it had to fail. For once it didn't. 

 

(You'll just have to believe in him, too.) 

 

_I do._

 

 

|| End ||

 

**Author's Note:**

> lmao so that was my attempt at redeeming that shitty ending. also maybe sasuke a bit. im such a uchiha apologist is2g
> 
> please leave a comment/ kudos or whatever u do on this site. please. i rely on outside sources for emotional validation and i am definitely not getting enoANYWAY I HOPE THAT WASNT TOO HORRIBLE
> 
> DONT RE AD THIS FIC????????????


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